Open Your Heart: Simple Steps to Finding Love
* The Beginning
* The Feel
* The List
* The Gift
* The Cleanse
* The Truth
* The Fear
* Off you go!
“What you seek is seeking you.” Rumi
So I said to my husband of nearly ten years, "Remember, I'm going to hear Ram Das tonight and you promised to stay home and give the dogs a bath." To which my beloved said with a smirk, "What if I wanted to stay home and just sit on my Ram Das." And that, ladies and gents is why I married the man. He's not what you'd call a funny guy, but he makes me laugh a simple, innocent, carefree laugh. That's just the feeling I was looking for. What are you looking?
If your heart's desire is to share life with a beloved, don't sit back and wait for it to come to you. Engage with your whole mind and soul to create the energy that calls love to you. I did it. You can too. Love is waiting for you. Love is abundant! There are probably a dozen people in your neighborhood you could be with right now. (I'm not kidding!) Let's reset your heart and mind and fall in love with life itself. I'm looking forward to hearing your success story!
Every year, the radio station I work for hosts a bridal show. A great hall is set up as if an enormous wedding reception is about to take place. Around the perimeter of the room, vendors are selling their wares to the future brides and grooms. Experts on teeth whitening and straightening, hair styling and tanning are ready to help you “look your best for your big day”. Others have set up shop to provide you with flowers, tuxedos, gowns, DJ’s, limousines, wedding favors and monogrammed champagne glasses. Ministers, insurance agents and travel experts are also at the ready. As the radio commercial promised, “everything you need for your dream wedding all under one roof”.
Each year for more than a decade, I was under that roof too. I was the most single person in the room. At least, that’s what it felt like to me. My job was to stand at the radio station booth and invite all the happy couples to register to win their dream honeymoon. As a radio host, I’ve enjoyed being part of many annual events, from food festivals to country fairs, but at the bridal show, I felt out of place. I couldn’t get my little toe into the dating pool, but every February, right around Valentine's Day, I had to put on my spanx and a smile spend an entire day with those who had already found their way to the deep end.
At one of these bridal shows a few years ago, I had a conversation with a minister. I was admiring his collection of satin stoles and vestments. Assuming I was a bride to be, he asked when I was getting married. “God only knows!” was my reply. Then he told me the story of how he met his wife and how happy their union is today. We talked about how people meet and fall in love, and the inner work one may need to do to allow that to happen. I told him I had “made of list” what I wanted in a partner. And he said, “I did too! And then I turned the paper over and wrote on the back what kind of a man I would have to become to be with the woman on the other side of the page.”
From that conversation I was inspired to create a plan that incorporated the things the minister and I spoke of and principles from my other vocation, reiki. Reiki is an ancient, Japanese healing technique that works with your own energy field. I used this process with great success and I wish the same for you!
* The Feel
“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
Sit. Close your eyes. Breathe. Imagine your perfect partner. Feel what it feels like to live and love with the wonderful creature of your dreams. See, in your minds eye, every detail of your life together. You may want to race past this step, but it’s a requirement. You must first feel how it feels to have big love. Imagine. You can’t do this wrong.
Make believe your beloved is sitting on the couch in the next room ready to hit the play button the remote so you can watch a movie together. Pretend your love is preparing your favorite dinner in the kitchen. Feel what that feels like. Close your eyes and dream for the next 60 seconds.
Breathe. Prepare to close your eye again for another round of imagining. This time, take a wider focus and picture where you will live and what your home will look like when you are together. Picture your holidays and vacations with family and friends. Let your mind wander to include every little thing your heart desires. Take another minute to imagine what your entire life looks like when it’s filled with love and companionship.
It’s not enough to just read these words. You really have to sit quietly and feel the feeling. Come back and practice this step often. Make feeling loved a familiar sensation so you recognize it when you find it.
* The List
“I like mine with lettuce and tomato. Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes.” Jimmy Buffett
Create a written list with a real pen on real paper outlining everything you want in a partner. Typing or thumbing things into a digital device is just not the same as moving your hand along a page and forming each letter of your dream date yourself.
Warning: If “tall” and “blue eyes” is on your list, you may not be truly interested in finding a partnership. You may be looking for a nice accessory! Go buy a coffee table. It can hold your wine, note pad and pen until you are ready to get serious about connecting with another human being. Yes, chemistry is important, but if you won’t consider a potential partner who is shorter than you or doesn’t have 6-pack abs, you may not be open to connecting with another person. Maybe you’re internally rating yourself by what you can attract. Big love could come disguised in a package that looks very much like the people you walk past every day. Open your heart to the idea that love doesn’t have to have a certain “look”. When you can do this, it’s time to write your love list.
When I first created my list I filled a small legal pad with my requirements. Dream big! Get it all out and on paper and use only positive phrases. Don’t mention what you don’t want! Write only what you desire and write it in the present tense. If you put “kind” at the top of your list, you are off to a great start. Your list could look something like this.
My partner is:
Kind and easy to be with.
Spiritually connected to a higher power.
Adventurous and into hiking and hang gliding.
Employed and happy with his work.
My partner is:
Free to enter into a relationship now.
On good terms with his family.
Engaged in hobbies and friendships.
My partner is a good:
Cook, helper, lover, friend and gardener.
My partner is into:
Traveling, theatre and micro-brews.
My partner is:
Generous with money and smart enough to save for the future.
My partner likes my:
Cat, mother, best friend, ex-husband and obsession with the Muppets.
Above all, my partner is willing to:
Spend Thanksgiving at Grandma’s
Spend Opening Day at Fenway.
You get the idea. You may spend days or weeks crafting your perfect partner on paper. But again, make sure this person is projected in all positive phrases and in the present tense. When you are done, celebrate! You are opening your heart.
* The Gift
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Once you have perfected your list of requirements for your partner, turn the paper over. On the back of the list you’ve just written, make another list. This is the list of things your partner will love about you.
What are you best qualities? What you will give to the person you want in your life? What are you willing to share with your partner that makes your company something they will desire?
In working step three, you will come face to face with the most important part of union; what you bring to the table. Why will the person you are inviting into your life want to be there? What are willing to give, share and support? Yes, you are a good listener and a give a nice foot rub. But what might you need to share or curtail to make room for new love?
Your potential partner may want you to come clean about your debts and your self-doubts. Are you willing to open your world to someone in this way?
Your mate may want you to write down what you spend in the checkbook or make space in your Grateful Dead room for their Bee Gees discs. Can you share?
Your dream partner may want you to spend her birthday at her childhood home or Thanksgiving ice fishing in Canada.
Are you willing to support someone else’s dream? Child? Aging parent?
Breathe. Relax. Breathe some more. The person of your dreams isn’t going to walk into your house tomorrow and demand to know what’s in your 401K. But take some time to think about how your committed relationship will work.
Delve deep into your soul and you will find where you will have to stretch or grow to make room in your heart and in your world for this person. After spending time on the list of gifts you bring to the union, you may want to go back and rewrite your first list! Edit away. You are perfecting the plan.
* The Truth
“Humility is nothing but truth, and pride is nothing but lying.” St. Vincent de Paul
Years ago, a friend asked me why I wasn’t in a relationship. My response surprised me. Although the question was one I had been asked before, it was now coming from a person to whom I only spoke from my heart. There was no hiding. I had to share the truth, and quite suddenly, it bubbled up. I stuttered as I said, “I’m single because I am not proud of my life.”
I suppose that belief had always been there under the surface, but no one, myself included, had ever asked that I get in touch. It may have appeared that I was “looking for love” but that was a ruse. Deep in my heart, I was not in love with my own life. How could I ask someone else to love my life if I didn’t?
Pride is not a word I ever use. I feel awkward when other people use it. When my loved ones achieve great things or simple ones, I am happy and delighted for them, often to the point of tears! But what of their performance or achievement is mine? Not one iota. How dare I stand in their shine or feel that I contributed to creating it in some way? What someone else attains is theirs to revel in, not mine. Pride is simply not a sentiment that resonates with me. What do I have to be proud of? Everything in my life, including my life itself, has been a gift in one way or another. It’s my belief that no one gets anywhere without an army of angels, seen or unseen, helping them along the way. Point to anything good in my life and I can tell you how it was at least a collaboration and at best, grace. Point to the mistakes and fumbles and I can tell you exactly how my ego and botched things up all our on won. So when my subconscious let loose with the words “I wasn’t proud of my life” I actually felt dizzy.
As I set on exploring this revelation I came to see I needed to feel a sense of satisfaction and achievement, however humble in my own world. If I was to share my life, I had to have at least some satisfaction in it, and, at that time, I did not. My relationships, my finances, even my outlook were all a bit shabby.
I quickly got to work on my world. I gently eased away from the friends who didn’t make my heart sing. I applied myself more to the work and experiences that gave me joy. I took inventory of my past and made peace with what was and what wasn’t. As far as I could, I did away with anything that didn’t serve to increase my happiness.
In fairly short order, I was able to sit on my couch with my dog at my feet and a book in my lap and smile at the life I created. Everywhere my eye rested I saw something that felt beautiful to me. Maybe it wasn’t fancy, expensive or attractive to anyone else, but it made me happy. When I looked into my past, I made peace with myself and cut ties with my disappointments to the best of my ability. Then, I was able to look at everything in my world and say ,“this feels good and right to me.” That was the ingredient that had been missing.
When invitations came, I would take time to imagine myself at the event. If I couldn’t feel myself being happy there, I declined. I became more selective and more intentional about what was in my world.
When I began to say yes to dates and invitations that felt good, I was able to do so from a place of peace and not panic. Don’t get me wrong, dating is stressful and I was always a little nervous! But I knew every time I went out, there was a world I loved waiting for me at home at the end of the evening. I spoke my intention outloud to the stars at night. I bought myself a heart shaped necklace and wore it every day. I was on a mission to bring love into my life. I threw my heart up and over the moon and the rest of my life had to follow!
Not long into this process my chiropractor, a friend from childhood, told me I should meet the carpenter who was remodeling his kitchen. He mentioned it every time I went in for an adjustment. One day I said, “Give him my number!” He did. The carpenter called. We met for a blind date and got married 2 years and one day later. When we were moving in together, I found the list I made when I first started this journey. Mike was amazed and how well he fit the bill! His reaction was, “You wrote this before you met me?” Yup. He cooks, makes me laugh and treats my family as his own. I make his family a priority and support his passions and hobbies, even though it entails very sweaty hockey clothes.
* The Fears
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Joseph Campbell
As host of Shine On: The Health & Happiness Radio Show and Podcast, I've come to facilitate many women's retreats and seminars. At one very recent Shine On afternoon, one of the speakers said to the women seated in the circle to "throw their fears into the center of the room." I though that was a very odd way to start the program, but it proved to be very helpful! Many hesitated for a second or two, but each woman shared a deep fear that they were carrying with them. Someone were concerned for their children. Others worried about aging parents. Some were making career changes while others were leaving relationship. Everyone in that room was afraid of something. The woman next to me shared something that startled me. She said very matter of factly, "I'm afraid if I continue on this career path I am going to eclipse me husband." Immediately the person next to her said, "I feel the same way but I never would have said it out loud, in fact, I don't know if I ever admitted it to myself before this moment!" I. Was. Gobsmacked. Ain't it something what a little truth telling can do?
So I ask you, what are your fears? If you find joy with your beloved tomorrow, what are you afraid of losing? Will you feel disloyal to your single friends? Are you concerned how an ex will take it? Are you afraid you will lose your freedom or your identity or your side of the bed? Imagine your beloved is waiting outside the door with his bags right now. Are you afraid he won't like your Disney collection or your cooking or your moldy basement? Or is it your body or your finances you fear to reveal?
Make this list. Be ruthless. Maybe you fear you can't stay faithful or that you will get bored or that all your relationships are doomed. Maybe you don't feel worthy of love.
Play with this list until you get all the honesty out of you and on paper. Sit with this unease every day and breathe. You will see that some of these fears will melt away under the light of day. And for those that don't, ask the universe to bless and clear the little wounds that keep you from taking a chance. All of nature wants to heal you. Take long walks and ask the trees and the stars to ease this pain. Be honest with yourself if you need professional help to work through a past trauma. Love is waiting for you and will wait for you. Your health and happiness is the most important thing in the world. Talk to someone who can help you. Practice profound self care. All love is a reflection of self love. And you, my friend, are absolutely lovable. Keep reading if you don't believe me!
"When you learn how to re-parent yourself, you will stop attempting to complete the past by setting up others to be your parents.” John Bradshaw
One of the first things my husband made for me in our tiny, new home was a huge closet. French doors open up to reveal 3 shelves and 3 draws flanked by double rows of hanging rods on the left and right. It looks much like you would imagine. Dresses and skirts on one side, tops and pants on the other side. The drawers are filled with, well, "drawers" and sweats and tights. (Oh, he keeps his clothes in the guest bedroom. This closes it all mine!) The shelves? Well, nothing prepares you for those. The three shelves that I see every single morning when I open my closet are a tribute to my childhood. There's a picture of me around age 8 or so, wearing a tutu and standing in a ballerina pose as I was on my way to Mrs. Smith's Dance Class recital. There's a Raggedy Ann Doll, a Paddington Bear, a Christmas Elf and various other knicks and knacks that remind me of what a happy childhood is. Now, I am not saying I had a carefree childhood. The opposite is quite true. But I have created the feeling of a happy childhood and I celebrate that feeling every time I open my closet doors.
Years ago I learned that our subconscious mind is really making all our big decisions. It's not what we think in our brains, it's what we feel in our hearts that calls the shots. If there is a broken child in you, your one and only job right this moment and forever more is to heal that child. If there was trauma in your past, find a professional and go back in time and get that child. Bring him into the present and assure him that you can create a safer future. This topic is worthy of it's own book, and in fact you can fill a library with all the resources out there. I would start here with John Bradshaw. Even if you had a blissful youth, you may want to create a little corner of your home to hold the energy of that happiness. Our inner child never leaves us. I believe there's a little kid who's a little insecure in everyone your meet, including the new love who is making his way to you at this very moment!
* The Cleanse
“The Universe can’t give you something good if your hands are filled with something bad.” Kacey(Yes, I said that!)
I would bet that you know many people who are traveling at the speed of light and forever busy with a million things to do. Every hour of every weekend is booked for months in advance. And they wonder why they can't find love!
When reiki clients come to me looking for the guy or the girl, my first question is always, "Do you have room for someone in your life?" Almost everyone's first response is, "Of course I do!" When we shine some light on their lifestyle, we usually find the fat lie they've been telling themselves.
When you worked through the first steps, you were preparing your heart and mind for love. Now it’s time to make room for love. Literally. If you truly want to invite love into your life you may want to get busy! Clean out the basement, the attic, the junk drawer and the medicine cabinet. Donate old clothes and forgotten appliances to charity. Ditch the gadgets you don’t need or use, especially if they don’t work. Banish all clutter, wash the windows and sweep the front stoop. Make space on the nightstand for where she is going to charge her phone. Empty the drawer where he will keep his New York Yankee pajama pants.
The energy of your home should feel clean and clear. Clutter and junk block energy from flowing freely. This goes for your car, garage and shed too. Literally and figuratively you must clear space inside your home, heart and head to be able to fully welcome in another person. Make room for your sweety! This part of the process will feel delicious and delightful! Get to work!
Off you go!
“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.”
You are complete. You are enough. Your soul knows that to be very true. You just need to remind the rest of you. This little ebook is just the start of the conversation. The fact that you have read it sends a strong message to the universe. When you have worked through the steps to your satisfaction, go back to the beginning. Feel what having that partner will feel like. Carry that feeling with you. Smile as if the one you love is making their way to you right now. Stay open and positive. Revisit and refine your lists from time to time. Continue releasing things that that no longer serve you. Keep tending to your inner child and create pockets of love and joy around your home. Love yourself enough to create an environment that supports your heart and soul. Create a world of happiness for yourself and you will come to see that your life is complete. Then you are you ready to share it and yourself with your beloved.
Kacey Morabito Grean author of Open the Gate:Rewrite History to Live Your Dreams.
She is an award winning radio host on 100.7 WHUD and co-host of Mike & Kacey in the Morning. “Everything I need to Know I learned on t Radio” is her inspiring one-woman show.
Kacey is a lifelong resident of New York’s Hudson Valley where she lives with her husband Mike (not radio Mike) and their pack of pets.
Listen live at www.whud.com Sunday mornings at 6:30 AM for Shine On: The Health & Happiness Show. Hear a podcast anytime at www.Kacey.co
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